Saudades

Saudades
June 26, 2009
Lisboa aeroporto

“Saudades” is a word the Portuguese use to express a longing for something or someone left behind. I have saudades for Portugal already.

Duarte dropped me off at the airport in Porto early this morning. I had mixed feelings about leaving as I felt ready to be home but not ready to leave Duarte and the kids behind for a week. And certainly not ready to leave such a good life behind. Portugal is a special place for me. It is my husband’s homeland. It is my family’s happy place. It is where my soul is fed what it needs.

Now I have time to sit and think in the Lisbon airport before boarding my flight to Philadelphia. I have found a sunny spot in an outside café in the exact place where Duarte and I waited to meet Geninha, Filinto and the kids after our trip to Madeira. My heart aches for Duarte and for the kids and with the memories of the expectation I felt that day as we met and then left for the beach for a week. I thought that I craved time alone after 6 intense weeks with my family surrounding me. Now I feel too alone and I desire their company, their love. I wish Duarte were here to plan another adventure that would push me to my limit once again. I really miss him.

He’s not here. It’s time to go home.

I’m speaking better Portuguese now. I can hear it. I can have a conversation. I can ride my mountain bike for hours and hours and because of this I’ve seen the tucked in life that most travelers can’t see. I know some of the smaller details about this culture. It is becoming my own. I have a Portuguese family who loves me very, very much. I am the luckiest woman alive.

How do I re-enter my American life after such an experience? How do I sit behind my desk or among my peers and just be my normal self again? I’ve been further seasoned by the difficulties and the adventure of travel, by the gifts from the rich culture and from my time away from the mundane. I am better for the experience. I just don’t want to go home. There is much to think about and to process.

Tenho saudades. This division of cultures is confusing. 6 weeks in Portugal is a long time but 10 months in American is a long time too.

Enough psychology. I need to go catch my plane and fly away. Damn it.

Txau.